


his quiet, poetic existence

by UnusuallyNormal



Series: you look like hell [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gay Panic, Happy Ending, M/M, anteiku setting, bittersweet mostly sweet, identity fic, misunderstandings/miscommunication, plot of the manga doesn't happen tho, short multichapter, touka isn't in love with kaneki don't worry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-04-05
Packaged: 2018-03-18 12:19:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3569408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnusuallyNormal/pseuds/UnusuallyNormal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“That thing you told me about yesterday,” Touka says eventually. “I don't want you thinking about that.”</p><p>Now Kaneki, too, has to pause. He takes another order and prepares the drink before he answers her. “You can't stop me from thinking,” he tells her quietly.</p><p>__<br/>In which Kaneki is in love, Hide doesn't know, and Touka tries not to be bitter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Yoshimura always makes sure they get coffee at work each day. The aging manager will hand out steaming cups along with slow, wrinkled smiles to those with morning shifts; those taking over in the afternoons (always swept up immediately by the rush) he’ll tap on the shoulder to alert them to his presence behind them with a hot mug. He watches with approval as their chilled hands cup the ceramic and their heaving shoulders still, cherishing the way the worry in their brows momentarily fades. He knows all too well that his – he sometimes catches himself thinking of them as his children – that his _employees_ need all the care and affection they can get, every one of them.

Kaneki is grateful for it. More grateful than he could say. Yoshimura will probably never know how much he does for him – for Touka, too, and Nishio, and … well, it's all of them, really. Their world is a difficult place. Kindness comes to them rarely. It's something Kaneki believes they should value more – something, even, that they should cultivate. Ghoul society isn't big on close relationships … there's a good reason for that, but still. Wouldn't it be nice to have _something_ –

“Dumbass, stop spacing out.” Kaneki catches the muttered words and jumps to attention, realizing with dismay that the line at the register has lengthened nearly to the door as he had been standing there, polishing and over-polishing the dish in his hands.

“Sorry, Touka,” he whispers back, hurrying to take over the register. She rolls her eyes at him, annoyed, but doesn't pause to admonish him further. He's sure he'll hear all about it later. Out of the corner of his eye, as he takes the next customer's order, he admires the swift, practiced way her hands work at the coffee machine. She outshines him, even here. He wants to do better, to please her, but her approval is so hard-won.

“Stop thinking so hard,” Touka says to him, later, after the flow of customers slows to a more manageable rate. “You're making me suspicious.” Her tone turns down at the end of the sentence, irritated.

“How come?” Kaneki says, confused.

She doesn't reply for a moment. “That _thing_ you told me about yesterday,” she says eventually. “I don't want you thinking about that.”

Now Kaneki, too, has to pause. He takes another order and prepares the drink before he answers her. “You can't stop me from _thinking_ ,” he tells her quietly, as they brush past each other. He _has_ been thinking about “that,” to be perfectly honest, but then again, that's nothing new.

“You need to give it up, Kaneki,” she says on the next pass. “Really, you're a fucking idiot for hanging on to it so long in the first place.”

Maybe he is, he thinks, waiting for the coffee to trickle into the cup. More beans. He retrieves a can from the shelf and pours them into the grinder, the sound drowning out Touka's voice greeting the customers. Maybe he _is_ holding too hard to false hope, to baseless feelings. Maybe he should just – well, he can't let it go, he's sure, but maybe he could suppress it. Ignore it. Maybe eventually it really would go away.

“– morning, don't you think, Touka?” a voice is enthusing, when the grinder shuts itself off. A shock runs through Kaneki, setting his pulse fluttering in his throat. He's heard this voice a thousand times before, so there's no reason it should have this effect on him. And yet …

“Hi, Hide,” he blurts as he turns around, going for casual but rushing his words far too much. Touka makes a noise in the back of her throat and raises her eyes to the ceiling, leaving the register for him.

“Hey hey, Kaneki!” his best friend says, nearly blinding him with his smile. Kaneki is forced to drop his eyes, or else his blush will show on his face.

It wouldn’t be this bad if he knew what was coming, but Hide sneaking up on him unexpectedly like this means his feelings are running far too close to the surface. “I didn't expect you to come by,” Kaneki says to the counter. “Weren't you supposed to be …?”

“In class? Well ...” Hide gives a self-conscious laugh. “I got there, but then I couldn't pay attention for _shit_ , so I decided I needed some coffee. To wake me up, and all.” He reaches out and ruffles Kaneki's hair. Kaneki hides his reaction with a fast swallow. “Also this way I get to come bug my best bud! Win-win.”

Kaneki laughs weakly. “I have to _work_ , Hide ...”

Hide shoots another blinding grin his way. “Work, huh? Why aren't you getting me a coffee yet, in that case?”

“O-oh yeah.”

Kaneki doesn't need to ask what kind. He knows how Hide likes it.

Touka elbows him hard in the gut as he prepares it, which makes him spill the cream. He gives her a petulant look while he wipes it up, but otherwise ignores her very obvious huff of disgust. He can't believe he thought she'd be able to help him with this – with this attraction of his. He'd thought … Yoriko … but clearly, he'd thought wrong.

Kaneki balances the brimming coffee cup carefully on the way to the counter. “Thaaanks, Kaneki,” Hide says, accepting it carelessly enough that Kaneki feels justified in hanging on to the cup a little bit longer, their fingers overlapping, to make sure it doesn't tilt. “Actually, I brought homework shit to do, so I'm gonna hit a table and keep out of your way. But dude, you'll totally hang out with me later, right?”

“Uh – I –” Kaneki stutters, catching Touka's glare out of the corner of his eye. “Y-yes,” he says, and she looks away. “When?”

“This afternoon, once you're off work? You don't have any classes today, right?”

Hide knows Kaneki's schedule so well, it's more just a formality that he checks at all. As expected, Kaneki shakes his head. “Sure, but it can't be for too long … I have studying to do. Sorry, Hide.”

“Ah, don't we all,” Hide says, raising his arms and arching his back in a stretch. “I'll come by again at one and pick you up, then? We can hit the park or something. Look at the trees. Contemplate life.”

Kaneki hides a smile. “Okay, Hide,” he says.

There aren't many more customers for a while, and Touka's busy with something else, so Kaneki is free to think. Hiding partially behind the coffee machines, he watches the customers drink coffee and chat, feeling a bit wistful. His eyes are drawn, again and again, to Hide sitting at the table by the window. He makes an effort, mostly for Touka's sake, to stop himself from staring, but eventually he gives in to temptation.

It's something he's never said aloud, but he really likes the color of Hide's hair. Hide has been bleaching it for as long as Kaneki can remember, and after so many years, it's impossible to imagine it colored differently. It suits him. Especially right now, where it catches the light just right, illuminated from behind, seeming to surround him in a glowing halo … The sun has just risen past the silhouette of the buildings across the street from Anteiku, melting the early spring frosts, and it shines bright through the window and onto Hide's face. His homework is spread out before him, textbooks open and papers scattered, but he appears to be spacing out, staring straight ahead at nothing. He holds the eraser of his pencil contemplatively between his lips. Kaneki watches the tip of the pencil rise, and drop, and rise …

“You'd better not be thinking about what I think you're thinking about,” says Touka's voice, close to his ear.

Kaneki jolts. “I –!”

“I told you,” she says sharply, folding her arms. “You have to give it up. It isn't going to work.”

Kaneki tears his eyes away from Hide, turning to face her. He tries to think of a snappy retort for a moment, but when none manifests, he gives up and sighs. “Touka … I told you about that in _confidence_ ,” he says peevishly. “I thought you'd be _okay_ with it.”

“Then you're an idiot.” Kaneki looks around quickly, making sure that none of the customers are watching them. But they're standing out of sight, after all, behind the machines. “Haven't you been paying attention to the world at _all?_ ” Touka is saying, the line of her jaw stiff and the eye not covered by her hair staring at him flatly. “That kind of thing – love, relationships – it's not something we can _have_. Not with humans. There's no way it could end well.”

Kaneki sighs. “I can't help what I feel, Touka,” he says, voice very soft.

“Would you stop giving me those mournful looks?” Touka mutters off to the side, turning her face away and tucking her hair behind her ear. “I'm just trying to save you the heartbreak. It's not worth it, believe me.”

Sometimes, Kaneki has noted in the past, Touka's eyes look … so incredibly sad. This is one of those times. It's never more than a brief flicker, but he catches it despite its brevity, and once again finds himself wondering about her life. She had grown up in this world, after all, this world with all its tragedy – unlike Kaneki himself, who as a much more recent initiate, can’t imagine the things she must have endured. If he was braver, he'd ask her about her past – but truly, he's not entirely sure he wants to know.

“I … I know,” Kaneki says. He doesn't, really, but he can guess. “I know it’s not worth it … I just ...”

Touka gives a huff. “You know what, whatever,” she says abruptly. “I mean. This isn’t my business. You can feel whatever the fuck you wanna feel, it’s not my job to stop you from being stupid.” The line of her mouth hardens. “Just – whatever you do – don't let him know you're a ghoul, or let him know about us,” she says. “Because I _will_ kill him. You know that.”

“I know,” Kaneki repeats. He turns away, and peeks around the machines towards the customers. Hide is writing, now, head bent over his paper. His headphones, left around his neck, press into his cheek, and his brow knits in concentration. Hide, killed. Above all else, he can't have that.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hours later, wind ruffles Kaneki's hair as they walk through the park, side by side. Today is warmer than it's been in a while. The park is busy, full of parents with children running around, teenagers playing Frisbee, elderly folks picking their slow ways over to benches to sit and feed the birds.

They've been in silence for a while, but Kaneki can tell Hide’s thinking about something. Now, he hears Hide take a quick breath and smiles to himself, pleased he was right. “Soooo,” Hide  begins, teasingly casual. Kaneki casts a quick glance over at him, but he's just smiling blankly, staring at the sky.

“So?” Kaneki prods, when Hide doesn't continue. Hopefully talk will distract him from his thoughts. His stomach feels odd. It's easy, when they walk like this, to pretend that Hide knows everything, about his feelings – even, that this is a date and everything is all right. The pretending feels equal parts amazing and terrible, to the point where he can hardly bear it.

“Soo- _ooo_ ,” Hide says again, a grin curling the corners of his mouth.

Kaneki gives an exasperated exhale. “So _what?_ ”

“So. _Touuuuka_ ,” he draws out the name, “hmmmm?”

Kaneki flushes. “What about her?”

Hide bumps their shoulders together. “Nothing! Nothing at all.” A pause. “I just _noticed_ , earlier, that you and your pretty coworker were spending a _lot_ of time hiding behind those coffee machines together … _hmmmm?_ ”

Kaneki’s hand finds his forehead, his thoughts cringing away. _No_. That was so much _not_ what was going on. “And – and you thought we were –!”

“I didn't say I thought anything!” Hide says, laughing at Kaneki's embarrassment. “I was just _observing_.”

Kaneki folds his arms and holds himself a little more at a distance from Hide. They pass under the shifting shadows of some trees. “We weren't doing anything like _that!_ ” he says.

“Aww, you're pouting,” Hide says, and pinches his cheek. Kaneki glares. “Whoa, whoa, don't bite me or anything! So you weren't kissing Touka, I get it. But, don't you _want_ to?”

“I wasn't going to _bite_ you,” Kaneki mutters, adjusting the hood of his sweater and studying the cracked concrete of the path. Hide has no way of knowing how determined Kaneki is to never, _never_ bite him, and for what reasons. Ever since he fought Nishiki …

“Kaneeee-kiiiii, don't avoid the question,” Hide insists, bringing him back to the present. “Touka! You think she's cute, right?”

“She's cute, but I don't _like_ her,” Kaneki says. They reach a conveniently-situated bench, and Hide skips over to it, tugging Kaneki's sleeve along with him. “She's a friend. Not anything else.”

Hide throws a casual arm around Kaneki's shoulders as Kaneki sits down beside him. Kaneki inhales, forcing himself not to react. They'd always been close like this. Hide was always touching him, grabbing his hand to bring his attention to things, resting his head in Kaneki's lap while they watched movies, hugging him enthusiastically whenever they were separated for longer than usual. It only made things harder, for Kaneki, although he yearns just as much for the physical contact.

Hide is one of the few people who touches him at all. His own parents are dead, and of course his surrogate family would never offer him any physical affection. Kaneki cherishes this, what he has with Hide. It's comfort, it's home, even if it can't be love.

 _Why can't it?_ asks a small voice in the back of Kaneki's head.

Out here, the sun shines, and children laugh and play. The problems of Kaneki's world have never seemed more far away. Right now it seems simple, simple to imagine that he could have this, have what he wants with Hide, and never have him find out about the dark side of his life. Everything else is so terrible, he rationalizes – it would be wonderful to have even one good thing. Touka wouldn't approve, but maybe Yoshimura could talk to her. The manager, who offers them all coffee every morning, would surely see the advantages to him having such a relationship.

“Kaneki? Dude, are you spacing out?” Hide's voice brings him back to himself.

“O-oh, sorry,” he says with a faint laugh. “What were you saying?”

“I was _saying_ , do you have anyone you _do_ like?” Hide repeats, his warm brown eyes smiling at Kaneki in a way that makes Kaneki's heart do foolish things. “If not Touka. There must be _somebody_.”

Was that an invitation? Could Hide be prompting him to confess? He's never had a problem getting up in Kaneki's space, and now, the way he's _looking_ at him …

“I ...” Kaneki says, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. Oh, this is harder than he'd imagined. His hands shake a little. “There's not … I don't really have any, any _girl_ who I have feelings for … there's something – sorry, it's difficult to say …”

Hide's face goes surprised. Kaneki's stomach drops, sure he's guessed. Hide is so _perceptive_ , after all …

“I-it's just that, I can't,” Kaneki goes on quickly. “I have a – I can't get crushes, on people, it's ...” Hide's watching his face intently now, his mind clearly working fast. Kaneki's face heats up. This was a terrible idea. He should take it back. “I mean –! It's not a big deal, I just – it's because … because … I have this problem …”

“Kaneki,” Hide says gently, cutting him off. Kaneki presses his lips together and looks down. “No, Kaneki, look at me. _Ken_. It's okay.”

With great reluctance, Kaneki lifts his eyes to Hide's face. “I get it now. You're trying to tell me about it, but you don't want to. Of course you don't.” Hide looks so soft, so soft and caring and it makes Kaneki's heart stop. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you bring it up like this. But, it's okay, though,” he adds, “I already knew.”

“Hide …?” Kaneki breathes. _Could he possibly …?_

“I wasn't going to mention it, in case it changed things, but if you're that worried … I just, I wanted you to know it doesn't make a difference to me. I figured it out a long time ago, actually – so if I was bothered by it, you would have known already. See?”

“Are you really saying …?”

Hide gives him a brilliant smile. “Yeah. It's all fine, buddy. It's fine that you're a ghoul.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sorry i think i told some people that updates would be "really fast" but instead of working on getting the next chapter up i just went ahead and finished the first draft of the whole damn thing
> 
> so NOW updates should be "really fast" ((i hope))

Hideyoshi tosses and turns under his covers, unable to sleep. Part of him laments how unfair this is, the restlessness. He'd gone to bed _on time_. Practically _early_. And he needs to catch up, he's been so tired the past few days – so he totally deserves to drift off quickly.

But apparently that's not going to happen.

His mind grasps at random subjects. A conversation they'd had in his morning class. The inconsistency in the audio on the left side of his headphones – are they broken? Will he need to replace them soon? The recipe for oatmeal cookies he used to make with his mom back when he was younger, much younger. Why had they stopped making those cookies? Did they lose the recipe or something? He even makes a halfhearted attempt at sexual fantasy, but he isn't feeling it. Instead he rolls over, suddenly distracted by a different thought.

As of course it _would_ , his mind has cycled around to that conversation with Kaneki in the park earlier that day. That had … been weird. Mostly good – but around the edges, very subtle but not beneath his notice, there was some weirdness. It … hadn't gone quite the way he'd thought it would.

Hide supposes the biggest thing had been the look on Kaneki's face. Surprise, at first, as he had expected – then fear, which he had also expected – and comprehension, relief, and everything had _seemed_ just as it should be. But, underneath it all, there had also been this … disappointment. Now, no matter how hard Hide wracks his brain, he can't figure out what possible reason Kaneki would have to be disappointed. Hide _knows_ Kaneki. He figures it's pretty safe to say that he knows Kaneki better than anyone else knows Kaneki, in the entire world.

Sure, Kaneki has secrets from him. He'd found out a fair few of those today, in their subsequent conversation about Kaneki's whole … ghoul thing. Once Hide had made it sufficiently clear that no, he wasn't going to report him, Kaneki had explained everything. It _had_ been the surgery that did it, as Hide had loosely suspected. And the experiences he'd had since then … Hide had an inkling of it, from the confrontation with Nishio, but Kaneki had been through so much more than that, too. It makes his heart turn over.

Perhaps that was the source of the odd feeling Hide saw in Kaneki's face. Remembering all the bad things. As soon as he thinks of it, though, he discards the idea. No, that wouldn't fit at all.

It was definitely _disappointment_.

Hide rolls over, and presses his face into the pillow.

  
  


* * *

 

 

The next days pass normally, but Hide is watchful. Kaneki doesn't seem to be _too_ different from usual … other than still acting weird around Touka, that is. Hide supposes he understands that better now. Kaneki had informed him that he is not, under any circumstances, to let Touka know that Hide knows Anteiku is run by ghouls, because she would, like, _kill_ him. Actually kill him. So of course that might make Kaneki a little strange, seeing her and remembering he had to keep from her a secret of that magnitude, hopefully forever.

But no, wait, Hide still doesn't understand. Kaneki was acting weird around Touka _before_ Hide came out with the whole “I know you're a ghoul” thing. The glances between them – the silent communications – well, Hide can’t read it, and he doesn't like that. If anyone's going to be passing meaningful glances back and forth with Kaneki it should be _Hide_ , after all. They're the ones who are best friends. They're the ones who have the endless reservoir of private jokes and secrets. What Kaneki knows, Hide knows.

And now, he has the nagging idea that Kaneki has some secret with Touka. And that it's something Hide _doesn't_ know about.

Hide wants to find out what it is, damn it.

He almost does, once. He sees them back there again one day, conferring behind the coffee grinder. Quietly, while the machine runs, he creeps up to the counter.

“– least you didn't _actually_ tell him –” Hide catches, before they turn and see him there.

Their expressions are almost comical. Both of them wear equally startled, guilty expressions – it's so rare to see Touka with a face like this, Hide has to hide a smile.

But they recover quickly, and Hide pretends he doesn't notice. “Just wanted to say I'm heading out,” he tells them – tells Kaneki, really. “The hour of class is upon me …” He puts the back of his hand to his forehead elaborately, then makes his exit, waving goodbye.

Veeeeery suspicious.

Hide's aware that _he's_ the one acting the strangest now, of the two of them. When they're together he often finds himself staring at Kaneki, lost in thought … and blinks himself back into awareness to find Kaneki looking at him oddly, and then he has to smile and reassure him it's nothing, no biggie man, what were you talking about? This kid in your lit class said _what?_

But Hide's still sure Kaneki's hiding something. He is an _exquisite_ actor, after all – when he has it in his mind to hide something, he does, extraordinarily well. And now, it seems he _is_ determined to hide this – the signs of something wrong have all but vanished. Hide's sure the only reason he figured out something was bothering Kaneki in the first place was because he was, likely, on the verge of telling him.

Ah, now he wishes that he'd waited, before jumping right in to reassure Kaneki about the ghoul thing. He'd wanted to save his friend the agony of confessing that – but perhaps that hadn't been the right thing to do at all, perhaps Kaneki had something he wanted to say, something fragile and terrible that had to be phrased exactly right, and Kaneki had it all planned out but Hide ruined it and now the opportunity would never come up again …

Hide has a couple more restless nights. And perhaps it's not a big deal at all (comes the thought), perhaps he should just drop the whole subject and move on. But Hide is in the business of worrying about Kaneki. Hadn't that been exactly what he signed up for, all those years ago – exactly what he had meant, by _let's be friends?_

_You worry about everyone else all the time, so let me be the one to worry about you, okay?_

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide wishes he'd dropped it and moved on. Ohhhhh, he wishes he hadn't tried so hard to figure it out, because he has now and it's _not_ what he expected and _not_ something he can deal with and wow he regrets knowing this.

They are over at Kaneki's apartment, watching a movie – as Friday nights usually find them. Kaneki had been up late writing a paper the previous night. “I might not make it through this,” he informs Hide as the movie begins, yawning.

“Sure, sleep whenever. God knows you need it.” Hide chucks Kaneki under the chin and proffers his shoulder for leaning-upon purposes.

The movie is a silly romantic comedy, the kind of thing Hide tends to get invested in quickly, but at which Kaneki usually rolls his eyes, commenting on the shoddy writing. He supposes it's a good thing they're watching one of these sorts of things on a night when he's the only one likely to pay attention.

“God, I can't believe this,” Hide complains, twenty minutes in. “She so _clearly_ likes him. Like, I'm _sure_ she was trying to tell him she likes him, in that last scene, and he just – holy _fuck_ , did that guy just say they're _siblings??_ ”

Kaneki mutters something unintelligible and repositions himself on Hide's shoulder. With a fond glance over, Hide notes he's nearly asleep.

“What the fuck, they're _not_ sib –” begins his next outburst a few minutes later, but then he remembers Kaneki next to him and bites his tongue. The guy really does seem to be all the way asleep now. Holding him carefully, Hide kicks off his shoes and twists to the side so he can lie down, slotting a pillow behind his back. He guides Kaneki's head down onto his chest. Kaneki sighs, but doesn't seem to wake up.

Out of consideration for his friend, Hide watches the rest of the video in silence, running his fingers through Kaneki's hair. He's got nice hair. Hide's own is usually bleach-brittle, so he likes to touch Kaneki's, soft from conditioner.

“Well, that was shit,” he whispers eventually, giving Kaneki a shake. “It's over, dude, I gotta go. Sorry to wake you up and all but. Life goes on.”

He nudges again, and only then does he notice that Kaneki's eyes are open, just a crack. “Oh, were you awake after all? Come on, get up. My arm's falling asleep and I gotta get back to my room.”

Kaneki stirs, groaning. He flips over and buries his face in Hide's chest, murmuring something Hide can't make out. “Aww, you're cute when you're sleepy,” Hide says, poking him. “Dude, I gotta _go_. It's _dark_. Lemme up.”

Despite the weight of Kaneki, he pushes himself to his elbows. And still Kaneki clings to him, only appearing to notice the shifting of position to the extent that it allows him to wrap his arms around Hide's middle, which he does. “Holy crap, Kaneki,” Hide laughs. “Here, I'll help you to bed if you want. You seem really beat.”

Hide can't count the number of times he's tucked in a sleepy Kaneki throughout their youth. Usually it was at Hide's house, the site of their many sleepovers, when Kaneki would doze off reading and Hide would have to (gently or otherwise) get him into bed. This time it's no different. Hide coaxes Kaneki into a standing position, which he seems willing to go along with, so long as he can keep his arms around Hide's middle. Hide doesn't mind. It's cute.

They do a strange, shuffling waltz into the bedroom. Kaneki's room is kept neat, a neatness Hide admires/envies. His own room is never this neat. “Okay, Kaneki, we're here,” he announces. “Bed sweet bed. Come on, you baby, time to let go.”

Kaneki still doesn't want to. Hide has to do a kind of bellyflop to get the two of them on the mattress, Kaneki beneath him with his arms around his back. For a minute, the two of them are quiet. Then Hide says, laughter in his voice, “Well, this got really gay, really fast.”

Kaneki lets go of him like he's on fire. “Not _funny_ ,” he says stiffly, hands pushing up Hide's shoulders. Hide can't really see in the dark, but he thinks he might be blushing.

“Whoa, okay, I see how it is,” Hide teases. “That's okay, I can handle rejection. I'll just see myself out.”

“ _Hide_ –”

For a moment, Kaneki sounds … very strange. Hide stops, surprised, and turns to look at him. His face is too shadowed to make out the expression.

“Never mind,” Kaneki whispers. “Thanks, Hide. Go home, I'll see you tomorrow.”

Hide leaves, not really thinking about it until he gets out the door, but when he's out in the cool night air the oddness of the interaction strikes him, and for some reason he feels … off-balance, like he’s confused about something, but he can’t put his finger on what it is. And when Hide dreams that night, it's of the two of them in the park again, and Kaneki saying, “I don't like Touka because I like –” and Hide opens his eyes, and he _knows_.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bit of a longer chapter this time? still pretty quick but

Kaneki wakes up heartsick, as he often does these days. When he goes out to the kitchen he pauses for a moment by the couch, unable to stop himself from lifting the pillow to his nose. With his enhanced sense of smell, he can just catch the faintest traces of Hide's scent caught in the fabric.

It’s not nearly as strong, however, as it had been last night, with Hide _right there_ , warm against him, everything about him filling Kaneki's senses. Fingers running through his hair ... Kaneki had touched his own hair, last night as he was falling asleep, remembering Hide's hands. They are flat-nailed and broader than Kaneki's own, finer-boned ones, browned from the sun. Kaneki has imagined those hands many times — in his hair, on his face, trailing down his neck, cupped around the backs of his knees ...

He hadn't been quite himself, last night. The closeness and the scent and the strength of his _wishing_ had gone to his head. He'd been lonely and in love and desperate – but it had been a mistake, he knows now, to act that way (now that he's resolved to get over his feelings, keep the secret until there's nothing to tell). But for just a moment, he'd been able to pretend it was enough.

Kaneki sighs, pushing the pillow away and continuing into the kitchen. Coffee and mysterious cubes for breakfast. The daily staple. At least he doesn't have to keep _that_ , arguably far more important, side of himself hidden. Perhaps he should be grateful that Hide guessed he’s a ghoul, that he's okay with it — well, he _is_ grateful for it, immensely. He never has to worry about Hide leaving him over that, or worse. But …

While Hide knows just one of Kaneki’s two secrets, being with him has never seemed more agonizingly within reach – but still not … quite.

Kaneki watches the coffee drain through the filter and wonders how it happened that of all the things in his life, his feelings for a boy had become the most important. He feels shallow, cliched, but at the same time he can’t change how he feels. Kaneki has begun to look forward to their encounters with a mixture of desperate anticipation and twisting anxiety. It hurts to be around Hide. But he can't bear to _not_.

Kaneki is reminded of the tattoo wreathing the neck of Uta, the maskmaker. _I can neither live with you, nor without you_. It's meant to describe the relationship between humans and ghouls ... but it works for love, too, doesn't it?

Then again, perhaps what ghouls feel for humans is a kind of love.

He's going to see Hide again today. They’ve decided to meet at a cafe later – not Anteiku, but a place with a much wider selection of human food, so they (read: Hide) can have lunch. And then there are vague plans to go see some museum thing later, or “just hang out or whatever, I don't care,” Hide had said. Kaneki accidentally takes a too-large gulp of coffee and scalds the roof of his mouth. His mind hisses a curse, more emphatic than usual. He breathes out, and feels the burning pain fade to dull roughness.

He needs to put a stop to these feelings.

  
  


* * *

 

 

“Nothing to eat for you, sir?”

Kaneki goes tense. But before he can speak, Hide nudges him across the table. It's a small table, positioned against the wall to the back of the cafe, which is also quite small. “Bet you wish you hadn't already eaten now that you see how good this stuff is!” he says, turning the full force of his charm on the waitress, and she smiles before she moves away, satisfied. Kaneki relaxes, exhaling slowly.

“Thank you,” he says to Hide. It's an unbelievable relief, having someone looking out for him like this.

Now Hide's shining that charm straight at him, and he has to look away or be overwhelmed. “Anytime,” he says brightly. “Anything for my best friend. I’m great that way. Well,” he appears to reevaluate, jokingly, “okay, there are _some_ things, but —” He breaks off, his smile faltering for a moment. As if a thought occurred. Kaneki wonders what it is. He's on the verge of asking when Hide, casting around for a change of subject, notices the television on the wall across from their table. “Oh hey, look at that!” he exclaims, looking at the screen. “I know that show! Have you watched it?”

Kaneki prepares his look of distaste before he even looks up. The only genres of media they really agree on are action and tragedy, and Kaneki generally can't stomach the shallowness of Hide's soap operas. One look tells him that this is indeed one of those shows. “No,” Kaneki says decisively. “I haven't.”

“Aw, c'mon, stop looking at me like you're judging me,” Hide says. “This one is actually — well, it's not _good_ , but, it's like ... kinda fun, I guess. Like, it makes you really wanna root for the couples to get together. See, her? That's Suki, she's the female lead. She's gonna get with this hot German guy Heinz later in the season, but right now she's — ohhhh, this is the _beach_ episode ...”

Kaneki watches as the girl — Suki — descends a sandy beach towards the water, clothed only in a string bikini. “The boys here are just the _cutest_ ,” what must be Suki's voice narrates, as Suki lays out her towel and stretches out her long, long legs. “This is _definitely_ where I want to finally find a boyfriend.”

“Seems fascinating,” Kaneki says dryly.

“No, shut up, just watch,” Hide says. “In a second, she's going to meet Heinz, and it's so funny, they just — yeah, _there_.”

On the screen, Suki has turned her head. A wind blows, ruffling her hair. The camera pans. Focuses on a man. His shirt is off. His abs glisten. His jaw is chiseled. Suki’s face reappears, looking starstruck. “ _Wow_ …” her voice sighs, at a much higher pitch than before. “ _Yuuum_ …”

Kaneki scoffs at that and turns his head to look at Hide, a remark readying on his lips about how very _ghoul_ of her that remark was — but Hide has a strange look on his face. Uncomfortable, almost ... _panicked?_ “Hide?” Kaneki asks, and Hide whips around.

“Okay, wow, maybe it's worse than I remembered,” he hurries to joke, laughing awkwardly, but he shifts, in his chair, subtly backward. Away from Kaneki.

“Are you all right, Hide?” Kaneki presses, his throat suddenly dry. Hide gives him an odd look.

“Why wouldn't I be?” he answers, bright.

Kaneki's not sure if he would have dared to push the subject farther even if the waitress hadn't chosen that very moment to return with their order. “One sandwich plate and latte, one black coffee. And that's paid for separately?”

“Yes,” says Hide firmly.

  
  


* * *

 

 

It's not that he's homophobic, Hide tries to convince himself. It's just that he's ... uncomfortable. With the idea of Kaneki liking _him_ specifically. Like, if it was anyone else, it would be fine … but as it stands, these are feelings that Hideyoshi Nagachika, a straight guy, can't possibly hope to return. So he's just stuck, feeling awkward and guilty.

If he _was_ gay ...

But he isn't, so it would never work.

He's elected not to tell Kaneki that he knows. Now he's glad, glad that he'd interrupted what in retrospect was clearly going to be a confession, that day in the park. If Kaneki had finished it would have made things just that much more awkward. Which they are now, inescapably. Hide tries to forget about it as well as he can when they're together, but sometimes, certain things —

That man on TV, had he appeared sexually appealing to Kaneki? Hide doesn't want to know the answer to that, but his mind can't stop poking at the thought. The idea of finding that attractive is repulsive to Hide. Whenever he sees men sexualized, in pictures or in media, he often has to look away to avoid the funny, gross feeling in his stomach.

Worse, does Kaneki feel like that, like Suki does about Heinz, when he looks at _Hide?_ That thought Hide _really_ can't bear. He thinks about Kaneki, lusting after him, and feels sick.

His dreams have been too vivid lately. That night, he dreams he's Heinz, and Suki runs her hands all over his body. In the dream, Heinz smiles at her and reaches back, but Hide, who is now watching from an invisible vantage point above them, feels an urgent sense of _wrongness_ , but can find neither the words nor the voice to object.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Kaneki is worried. It hasn't taken over his mind yet, but it's definitely there, nagging at him. It sharpens when he falls into step next to Hide on their way to their shared class the next Monday, tasting like acid in the back of his throat. At least it's a change from his usual butterflies.

Maybe it's just the worry talking, but Kaneki feels like Hide keeps him at a bit more of a distance on their walk to class, like his smile isn't as sincere as usual. He considers voicing his worries — but then, he doesn't know for _sure_ something's wrong ... and if it was, it might not have anything to do with him. So instead, he just smiles and nods along to Hide's normal chatter, adding his own comments only when Hide stops for air.

“Oh yeah, you got the Asian History notes, right?” Hide asks, grinning at him sidelong.

Kaneki sighs. “Don't you ever think you ought to take your _own_ notes?” (He adds, in a mutter, “... If nothing else, for the variety of it?”)

“Why would I, when I have a smart friend?” Hide responds cheekily. He half-moves, as if to nudge Kaneki in the shoulder, like he often would at this point in a conversation. But he doesn't. Instead, he cuts off the movement and shuffles awkwardly to the side to conceal it, linking his fingers behind his back. “You'll give me the notes, right, Kaneki?”

His voice carries no trace of awkwardness — but it's not entirely calm, either.

“You're smart too, Hide,” Kaneki corrects with another sigh. “ _Okay_ ,” he says, louder, “but this is the last time.”

“You always _say_ that,” Hide responds, sing-song.

Things are smoothed over again, but that moment — that slight tension, the strain — stays in Kaneki's head. He can't quite convince himself he imagined it. That worried feeling grows bigger.

After class, they walk to the campus dining area. Every time Hide smiles at him, Kaneki breathes a silent sigh of relief, forcing himself to take this as evidence that everything is okay between them, nothing has gone mysteriously wrong, since their Saturday lunch or their Friday movie. They get to the line, and Hide begins to inspect the menu. Kaneki hangs back. “I'll get us a table,” he offers casually, turning to go.

“No, hang on,” Hide says — and again there's that aborted movement, like Hide had been about to reach out and grab his sleeve, but thought better of it. Kaneki tenses a bit. “I mean — sorry, but don't you think you ought to order, too? Like — last Thursday we came here and you didn't get anything and maybe that made people ... suspicious?”

Kaneki must be giving him quite the look, because Hide hurries to justify himself. “Not that you have to! I just, well, the way I figure it,” he drops his voice, “if you're seen eating food about a third of the time you come here, no one will suspect you. So ...”

It surprises Kaneki, how much this bothers him. And maybe it wouldn't get to him so much if he didn't already have doubts about Hide, but as it is, this only confirms his fears. “I ... I don't know,” he manages. “I'd rather not — I'm still not very good at eating in public and making it look convincing. It really does taste terrible ...”

“Well — okay,” Hide says quickly. “Don't bother, then. Go ahead and get a table, I'll be out in a moment.”

Kaneki grasps for words for a second, to express himself, but finds none. “Okay,” he says.

It really, really bothers him. Hadn't he thought, only a few days ago, how nice it was that Hide knew about him and accepted him so completely? What if he misjudged the depth of Hide's acceptance? Well, it would be understandable if Hide wasn't, at the very least, worried about being found out for harboring a ghoul, but he had _hoped_ ...

It had been nice to pretend nothing had changed, that Hide completely didn't care about his status as a ghoul. Nice when Hide made excuses for him at public eateries, when he seemed, altogether, entirely aware and comfortable with Kaneki's identity. But maybe wasn't quite as it seemed. Maybe Hide was worried about things like this, enough to ask Kaneki to choke down a meal just to be sure that people who weren't even watching them didn't suspect anything.

Or perhaps he's being too harsh. Perhaps Hide doesn't understand how terrible it is for him, eating. He could always explain ...

But no. If Hide really is leery of him, he shouldn't say anything to remind him of his ... differences. And Kaneki can't even blame him entirely for being leery. He _is_ a monster, after all, nice as it is to pretend otherwise. He supposes most of his resentment stems from the simple fact that he had _needed_ to do that, once in a while, and Hide had let him. But looking back, he realizes it was foolish. Foolish to believe he could ever escape that part of himself.

By the time Hide returns with a plate of food, Kaneki has worked himself into quite the depression. “Hey, dude, I think I've solved the problem!” Hide declares excitedly, plopping his tray onto the table. The sound of his voice doesn't make much of a dent in Kaneki's mood. “If we just — whoa, that's a long face you got there. Did it really bother you that much? I'm sorry, man, I didn't know.”

Kaneki manages a weak smile. “Thanks, Hide.”

Apparently satisfied, Hide continues. “Anyway, I was thinking — if I just put the tray in between us, and you, like, hold a fork like we're sharing and you're just in between bites or something, we're solid. It won't work under close inspection, but under normal circumstances you won't have to choke down a full meal. Probably ever.”

Somehow, even that fails to lift Kaneki's mood as much as it ought to. “That's really great, Hide,” Kaneki says, outwardly excited. “Thank you, I like that much better.” And he does. And maybe he was wrong to worry in the first place. But those other little signs are still there, bothering him — Hide's new tendency to pull away, to put himself at physical distance, and Kaneki can't help but worry that maybe even his best friend's apparent acceptance of him as a ghoul is flimsier than he'd thought.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide sees what's happening. He sees the way Kaneki's face falls whenever Hide brings up the ghoul thing, whenever eating is discussed — sees the way Kaneki has stopped talking about it entirely, has begun to actively avoid the subject. Kaneki thinks that his new aversion to him is because of his ghoul nature.

Which, of course, is not it at all.

Funny, Hide thinks sometimes, that he'd be more okay with the idea of his friend being a flesh-eating humanoid half-monster than a homosexual. Bisexual. Whatever. But something about the thought of that attraction makes his whole head feel funny in a way that thoughts about ghouls completely fail to replicate. Hide is fascinated by ghouls. Scared, yes, a little, but mostly fascinated, and he knows Kaneki would never hurt him. That was proven to him a long time ago, during that fight with Nishio — Kaneki had been starving then, on the verge of insanity, and even after that, Hide's still fine. And yet, thinking back on it, the thing that makes him most uncomfortable about the memory is the idea that Kaneki's motivation in that scene had stemmed from his desire to preserve Hide as a potential romantic partner.

How messed up is that?

Hide feels like a terrible friend. So what if Kaneki likes him? That shouldn't matter. Should it? It feels like it does. If he ignores it, it could go away. He knows that's not always how it works, but he can always hope.

And what then? What will ... what will Kaneki getting over him entail? Would it interfere with their friendship? Would it change things? Hide doesn't want it to change things. He ... he needs Kaneki, just as Kaneki needs him. He's scared, so scared, of not having him anymore.

Now, when they meet, he can tell Kaneki is holding himself at a distance. He can tell how much it hurts him to do that, and Hide can't truly be grateful for the distance as a result of that. He wants to reach back, to take Kaneki's hand like he always used to do, pull him into a hug and tell him that he doesn't care, really, about the ghoul thing. Kaneki shouldn't hate himself for that. But Hide can't do that, because he can't bring himself to even get _near_ that ... other topic.

If Kaneki feels insecure even about that part of his relationship with Hide, some terrible, selfish corner of Hide's brain thinks, then he's _guaranteed_ not to bring up the other thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah ok sorry about the gay panic there idk if i'm capable of creating a truly distressing mood but in case anyone was bothered by this i'm just gonna say the stuff hide thinks and the disgust he feels is all drawn entirely from my own personal experience and it's more self-directed etc etc
> 
> needless to say, he will get over this.


	4. Chapter 4

It's been two weeks since things have gotten weird with Hide, and Kaneki is losing it.

Very privately. He breaks down alone in his room or in bathrooms, taking huge, shaky breaths until he can pull himself back together. It would only turn Hide against him further if Kaneki let him see how messed up he is, Kaneki is sure. At this point, he'll fight tooth and nail for any tatters of normalcy he can preserve.

Kaneki is desperately afraid of losing him.

 _Hide_ , he traces in his fogged window. Even the characters of his name are beautiful, bringing back that jumbled, awful feeling that Kaneki is far too familiar with at this point. Love is a rotten emotion to feel on its own when there's no hope in the mix to temper it.

His hand is bringing his phone to his ear before he realizes he’s dialed. He hears the ring and swallows. “Touka,” he says, when she picks up. He isn’t thinking about the consequences of calling, only that – well, he’s not sure what he’s thinking at all, actually.

“ _What is it_ ,” her voice snaps from the other end, somehow even grumpier than normal.

“I ...” His mouth is dry.

He hears Touka sigh. “Shit, Kaneki, you'd better not be in trouble,” comes her voice. “Where are you?”

“I'm not in trouble,” he says. “I'm at home. I ... I just ...”

“You sound upset.” Touka's voice is brittle. “What's happened?”

Kaneki would cry, if he tried to voice it. So instead he just shakes his head.

He can hear Touka sighing again into the mouthpiece. “Meet me — meet me at Itori’s,” she says. “Fifteen minutes. We'll talk then.” She doesn't leave room for argument. The line clicks dead.

Kaneki stares blankly at the wall for a moment. Getting up and going somewhere isn't exactly what he wants to do right now. But then again, there's nothing particularly attractive about his empty apartment, either. Or anything. He's in one of those moods where nothing seems interesting, or fun, even remotely like it might help lift his mood.

He at least doesn't have to think, while he's moving. He locks up his room and heads down the stairs and outside, shoving his hands in his pockets. It's a chilly evening. Good thing the walk to the train station isn't far.

Itori’s bar, he knows, is too far from his apartment to walk, so he spends a few moments tapping his feet in the cold waiting for the right train. Fortunately, it's not a long wait, and soon he's speeding away, his reflection in the glass of the train window pale and ghostlike.

He sees Touka before he gets off. “You're running late,” she greets him, looking annoyed as ever.

Kaneki checks his watch. It's only been ten minutes. “Why didn't you go ahead to the bar like you said?” he changes the subject, knowing better than to argue.

“You were taking too long,” she says. “What's up? You look terrible.”

“Thanks,” Kaneki mutters. “It's ...” They're walking now, up the block that will take them to Uta's. It's a moment before Kaneki can admit it. “It's Hide.”

Touka nods. “Thought so,” she says. “You did something stupid, didn't you.”

Kaneki shakes his head, ducking it uncomfortably. “No, I — I didn't do anything.” Well, he'd made the mistake of beginning that disastrous confession. And as a ghoul, he supposes his _existence_ is to blame, but ... “Well, I guess I did. I don't know.”

Touka doesn't say anything, letting him collect his thoughts. Soon, the lights of Itori’s building enter their field of view.

“Do you ever,” Kaneki begins again, “do you ever just _wish_ , so much, that you could be a regular human?”

To his surprise, Touka doesn't look disgusted by this sentiment. She glances away.

In a few more steps, they reach the store. “We're here,” Touka announces abruptly, holding the door open for him. “Go on to the back.”

Maybe he should have asked why they're here. Kaneki obeys her without question, and she follows him, brushing past him when he hesitates. “Here it is,” she says, and pulls Kaneki past a very discreet doorway.

They're in that secret bar, in the back of the building. Kaneki has never been here at this time of night before, so he's surprised by how many people are around. All ghouls. The lights are dimmed, the figures cramped in at every corner, red eyes and mouths dripping blood and ... Kaneki squints into a dark corner, trying to figure out how the figures there appear to intertwine, but Touka pulls him along. “Don't look too close,” she says into his ear.

He sees Itori engaged talking to two ghouls in the corner, and to his surprise, in her occupation, _Uta_ is serving drinks, his long hair falling loose around his face. When he sees Touka with Kaneki, he arches one pierced eyebrow. “Well, well,” he says in his smooth voice, sidling up to the counter opposite the two of them. “I didn't expect to see you two here. Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

“We want drinks,” Touka says brusquely. “Not damn questions.”

“All right,” says Uta. He reaches behind him and snags two glasses between ink-patterned fingers. He wears a tank top with a deep scooped neckline, and as Kaneki watches a male ghoul he hasn't seen before sidles up to him, speaking into the ear not covered by a curtain of hair. The man has well-defined muscles and is a little taller than Uta, and he has to bend a little as he speaks. “Most certainly,” Kaneki hears Uta says to him, his tone low. He runs his hand briefly up the man's muscular, bare arm.

“Would you like the regular, or —” Uta begins, turning back to them with their glasses.

“We wanna get drunk,” Touka breaks in. Uta's eyebrow arches again, but he doesn't comment, turning back around to prepare their drinks. The muscular man moves in, his hands tracing the slender curve of Uta's waist. Kaneki watches them with a kind of fascination. His mouth has gone very dry.

“Touka, we're both underage,” he whispers to her. “And besides — can't we not digest alcohol?”

“It isn't alcohol,” Touka replies. “Similar. But not the same. I don't know exactly what it is. It works, though.” She jerks her chin at their surroundings.

Kaneki supposes, now that she mentions it, that the ghouls around them are acting in a manner more typical of drunkenness. Although their movements are still more graceful than Kaneki would expect from a drunk human, there's a fair amount of _leaning_. Sometimes the leaning appears to be against other bodies. Kaneki's feeling of displacement grows. Two women twine together in a darkened doorframe. One has her shirt off, exposing her chest, while the other runs her fingers over the first woman's bare body. Nobody around them spares the pair a second glance.

“Your drinks.” Uta's voice comes from right next to his ear, making him jump. It's possible that he watches with a bit of amusement as Kaneki whirls around. He certainly smiles as he proffers the glass. “Be careful.”

“Um,” Kaneki asks, accepting his drink gingerly. “What ... exactly ... will this do?”

Uta's smile grows wider. “Ah,” he says distantly. “Now that's a lot of things.” He holds out his hand, raising three fingers. The nails are black. “One,” he lists. “It will relax you, open you up.  You will talk more freely. Two. It will lower your inhibitions, rather like human alcohol.” Touka has moved away from them, towards a less densely-populated corner, and Kaneki sees her tip back her glass, taking a sip. He watches her leave with a skittish feeling of almost-panic, wishing she'd come back and rescue him from this. Uta leans over the bar, sliding his fingers teasingly underneath Kaneki's chin. “Three,” he says, thoughtful. “It will increase your sensitivity. It may make you ... want things.” The tip of a black thumbnail touches his bottom lip.

Kaneki can't take it anymore. He pulls away. “Um — okay,” he says hurriedly, his face a flaming red. “Thanks for ... the explanation.”

Even Uta's laugh is graceful. “You blush so wonderfully. I'm almost sorry I've already made a mask for that face of yours. I could do so _much_ with color.” He backs away from the counter, the muscular man coming back up behind him and resting his hand on Uta’s shoulder. Still, Uta doesn't look away from Kaneki. “If you ever need another, one day ...”

Kaneki has to be the one to break the gaze. He hurries after Touka, the echo of Uta's laughter ringing in his ears.

“Surprised to see you still clothed,” is Touka's remark to him when he joins her in the space she's staked out for herself.

Kaneki shudders. “That was weird,” he says.

Touka shrugs. “You're a new face, you're cute, you're innocent-looking, you look like you're of age,” she says. “Half the people here would be glad to ... corrupt you.”

She raises her glass to her mouth again.

Kaneki's mouth twists in distaste. “You know, I don't think I want this anymore,” he says, looking down at his glass.

“Suit yourself,” Touka shrugs. She swallows, and shudders. “Damn. Forgot how much this stuff warms you up.”

Kaneki leans against the wall next to her, holding his drink awkwardly in his hand. The bar is small, cramped, and windowless. There's very little room to sit. He supposes this is the compromise for secrecy. “You've done this before, Touka?” he asks, noting the unhesitating way she drinks.

She nods. “Goddamn best part of being a ghoul,” she says. She’s talking more easily now, and he wonders if she’s already feeling the effects of the drink. “Stuff's too potent for humans. It would really fuck them up. But us — we can just regenerate.” She doesn't sound very happy about this.

“So there aren't any negative effects?” Kaneki asks, interested.

“Well, there are some,” Touka says. “It'll give you the _weirdest_ hangover. And, you'll need to eat afterwards. That's why old man has his rule against drinking — we're not technically supposed to do it, since it makes us waste food. But getting into a fight makes you hungrier than this will, anyway.”

Kaneki looks down at the glass in his hands. Curiosity overwhelms him. Just a sip —

The taste has all the sweetness of blood, all the bitterness of coffee. It's thick and rich and _good_ , burning the back of his throat. Kaneki swallows with difficulty, then coughs — but he keeps it down.

When he looks up, Touka is watching him. “I almost thought you'd spit it out,” she says. “Congratulations.” She raises her glass to him. He wipes his mouth on his sleeve, and then lifts his own to clink against it. “To our fucked-up lives,” Touka says, and drains her glass.

Kaneki feels pleasantly warm and fuzzy. The feeling is welcome, edged with oblivion. He takes another gulp.

  
  


**

  
  


_Everything is too bright_.

That's Kaneki's first thought. He lifts his head, his sheets feeling strange against his skin. It isn't too late in the morning, but the square of light from his window on his floor seems as bright as the sun. He fumbles around his nightstand until his fingers snatch at his phone. He picks it up, stabbing at buttons to get to Touka's number.

“Touka —” he gets out when she picks up.

“ _Fuck you,”_ comes her voice from the other end, scratchy and raw, and then she hangs up.

Okay. Kaneki leans over to put the phone back. The phone teeters on the edge of the nightstand for a moment, then slides off. Kaneki decides he doesn't care.

 _Food_. Touka said he'd need to eat. He has a bit stored away ... he wasn’t going to eat it, but ... He drags himself out of bed and into the kitchen, finding the brown wrapped package behind the orange juice and milk he keeps mostly for show. For show and for Hide.

No. Hunger churns in his stomach, but he can’t face the idea of eating meat. Instead, he retrieves his jar of mysterious cubes from the pantry and makes a cup of coffee.

Kaneki wonders how Touka's doing. He thinks she got pretty bad last night ... Well, they both had, but in the end she'd drunk more ... and he remembers her mumbling, on and on, unintelligible ... elbowing aside ghouls in her path with less and less subtlety ... insisting something to Kaneki, he couldn't make out what was said but it was about humans, and blondes ... and at the end of the evening Kaneki had had to pull her away from one such blonde, a young ghoul woman who looked ever so vaguely like someone Kaneki has seen before, although he couldn't place who ...

They hadn't talked about Kaneki's problem, and when he'd tried to bring up how out of sorts Touka herself seemed, she shut him down. That was fine by him. He had needed the — the escape.

The coffee is helping, restoring him enough so his body heals from the effects of that drink, but he still feels a little strange. He closes his eyes, tilting his head back. _Class today_. It's going to be hell. At least, he thinks, he won't have to worry about confronting Hide. Hide doesn't have any classes on this day, so Kaneki is usually on his own. Usually he feels lonely and out of place without anyone to shadow, but today it's a breath of fresh air.

The dulling of emotion he'd felt last night hasn't quite worn off yet. It doesn't hurt as much as it usually does to think Hide's name. He drags lethargically around his rooms for a while, getting ready, and in the shower his thoughts are pleasantly blank. But by the time he's heading out the door to get to his classes, his thoughts have kicked more into gear.

It really feels ... hopeless. Before yesterday, he'd just been holding on, getting from one day to the next, but now he sees far too clearly the life spread out before him. He's the same as Touka. People like them won't find happiness. Even if he gets over Hide, even if he moves on and finds — finds _something_ , it can't last. After all, every single ghoul couple Kaneki has ever seen has been separated by death. Well, Nishiki and Kimi have stayed okay so far, but he's seen firsthand how the violence of the ghoul world has put strain on their lives ... And it's not just romantic relationships that he can’t keep, either. It's family, it's everything. Being a ghoul ... he can't hope to stay close to his important people, if he wants them to live.

Kaneki’s pretty sure he worries everyone with his expression throughout his morning class. He gets a few words full of false jollity, trying to cheer him up, and a few others of concern. He responds to all with quick smiles and denials, but the smiles are thin and watered-down compared to his usual, and he usually turns away from his concerned classmates quickly, scratching at his chin.

He makes himself scarce during lunchtime, as he normally does when he's alone. He'd typically enjoy the time to himself, but today he can't find any escape in reading his book. He closes it, marking his space with his thumb, but in his head he already knows he won't be getting back to it any time soon.

Kaneki spends a dull several minutes staring at the wall. His thoughts circle along the same miserable lines as earlier that day. He feels trapped, a rat lost in a maze.

He heads to his afternoon class a little later, feeling emptier than ever before. It doesn't help that he knows exactly what Hide would say if Kaneki saw him now.

 _What's with this cloud of melancholy thing, dude? You're making_ _me_ _depressed just watching you._

Only that was Hide _before_. Hide now hasn't greeted him that way in ages. Hide now hasn't asked him to be honest, to explain what's wrong, in two weeks.

 _And can you really be sure you're reading that right?_ a tiny voice in Kaneki's head asks, forcing him to stop and question himself. How often did Hide usually ask him those kinds of questions, anyway? Well, normally he was pretty good about letting Kaneki come to him with things — not prying unless he could tell Kaneki wanted him too. Then again, Kaneki wants him to now. He wants him to ask, to care, and when Kaneki explained, to reassure him he had nothing to worry about. That’s it. Hide could nearly always improve his mood, make it clear everything was fine, really – unless, of course, it wasn’t.

It's halfway through class and Kaneki hasn't heard anything the professor has said.

Oh, sure, he’s _tried_ to focus, but he always finds his thoughts fading after not too long ... Hide might be home right now, listening to music ... or maybe he's out with his other friends ... Does he talk about Kaneki, to those other people? What does he say?

The class finishes. Quietly, while the others are all gathering their bags, Kaneki stands up and exits the room.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry depressing chapter also sorry weird uta scene
> 
> i think the next chapter will be the last one!! man though i'm sad this fic has been so fun to write


	5. Chapter 5

Kaneki finds himself running.

He's not going anywhere particular — the turn towards his route home passed him by a while ago — but he simply runs, the pounding of his feet making his thoughts hard to hear. It feels good, though. The faster he goes, the harder his breaths come, the more his lungs fill his chest and the less room he has left for his heart. He feels the impact of his feet against the pavement all up his legs. He can’t leave his problems behind, but he can sure try.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide has spent the day at home, alone. In the morning he had cleaned and studied in a whirlwind of determined energy, but now, his motivation gone, he sits on his bed with his face in his hands. Kaneki. He can’t get Kaneki out of his head. Everything between them is such a mess. He’s losing his best friend, and he can't explain anything, can he — _oh don't worry bro, it's fine, I’m not acting like this because you're a ghoul! I'm just weirded out that you're gay for me. So it's good. Right?_

Yeah, never.

Kaneki should be out of class now. Hide wonders how he's doing. He holds his phone guiltily in his hand, contemplating calling. It wouldn't make things better, but maybe it would help Kaneki see he still cared, truly ...?

Hide rolls over on his bed, flopping onto his stomach. Yeah. Except he doesn't _want_ to call. It would be too difficult. He'd just end up acting fake cheerful and Kaneki would see right through him and feel worse and everything would continue being terrible.

There _is_ a thought, but it panics Hide to so much as acknowledge it — it would fix everything, of course, if he could just return Kaneki's feelings. But that's impossible.

Isn't it?

  
  


* * *

 

 

Kaneki doesn't know where he is anymore.

He knows he's still in the same general area, but the streets have blurred together in his memory and he couldn't say how to get back to his apartment from here. Not that he cares. He keeps running.

Drowning out his thoughts — Touka was right. It's addictive.

But it will also be his downfall, in the end. He's so focused on _absencing_ , on blanking out his mind, on the sounds of his footfalls, that he’s completely forgotten to keep an eye on his surroundings.

Kaneki rounds the corner.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide _can't_ return Kaneki's feelings. He _can't_. But he also ... can't bear to be apart from him like this. It feels like they haven't seen each other in forever. They _have —_ but they haven't seen each other properly, comfortably, and Hide is sick of it.

It's a physical ache in his chest. He misses Kaneki. A lot. He misses his soft laugh, his subtle humor, his easy blush. Everything for the guy has been so terrible, his whole life, and yet he's still wonderful, still kind and gentle. Hide can't imagine a better best friend.

His phone rings, startling him. He fumbles, half-sitting up, until he finds where he discarded it atop his sheets.

It's Kaneki.

Desperately, Hide raises the phone to his ear. “Hey, Kaneki! What's up?” he asks, his voice an over-enthusiastic parody of its normal chirp.

For a minute, there's silence. Hide swallows. He can hear Kaneki's dry, rasping breaths.

Then — “ _... Hide_.”

 _Oh no_.

Hide's blood runs cold. Kaneki's voice ... something is horribly wrong. “Kaneki, I've got you,” Hide says, voice going low and urgent. “What's wrong? Are you hurt?”

A few more strained breaths.

“Okay, don't answer if you — if you can't,” Hide says, fighting to keep his voice steady. Oh God. Oh God. He's off his bed, jamming his feet into shoes. “I'm coming to get you. I'll — I'll get my bike. Can you walk?” He’s out the door, running down the stairs.

“Not — sure ...” Kaneki whispers.

Hide feels his own throat closing up. Tears prick at his eyes. Kaneki sounds _really_ bad. All his discomfort, all his insecurity, all his panic fades away in the face of the fear he feels for his friend – and with that gone, there's another feeling welling up inside him, intense and unmistakable –

He nearly falls as he climbs on his bike, cradling the phone next to his ear. “Where are you?” he asks, feet on the pedals.

“I'm ...” Kaneki gives the name of an intersection. The words drag out of him.

“Okay,” Hide says. “Okay. Kaneki —” He's pedaling now, but he'll have to put the phone down if he wants to go fast. “Kaneki, I — I have to hang up now. I'll be there soon. Hang in there.”

“Hide ...” Kaneki chokes.

Hide turns off his phone and shoves it in his pocket. And then he rides.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Kaneki leans back against the cold, rough brick, his phone held loosely in his limp fingers. His knee is smashed. And there's a gash in his side, under his arm. He can feel it trying to heal, but he's too low on energy. He hasn’t eaten in too long … and the drinking last night, that drained him, too.

They'd been eating, that little gang of ghouls, when he'd chanced upon them. The fight had been quick but brutal. The other ghouls had fled, but not before wounding Kaneki beyond his capacity to heal.

Why had he called Hide? Once his friend saw him like _this_ , saw all the true horrors of his existence, surely he'd finally leave him. But his fingers hadn't thought about it, typing in the digits of his most often-called number automatically.

No going back now. Kaneki closes his eyes. Hopefully, Hide will at least find him before anyone else does.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide had never thought it possible to break speed limits on a bicycle, until now. He tears along, the only thoughts in his head of Kaneki.

It’s so clear now. In all these weeks of agonizing, he’d been avoiding it, but this situation – his reaction, his fear, has forced him to see. See what he’s known all along, deep inside. There’s a hill ahead and normally he’d shift down a few gears to climb it but today his sense of purpose outweighs the pain in his legs and he pushes his way up faster than he’s ever done before.

He’s still reeling from the shock of the realization. He repeats it to himself, again and again. Hide loves him. He loves Kaneki. He doesn’t know in what way yet, but the more he thinks about it, the more he’s sure. He loves Kaneki's clear gray eyes, his elegant hands, the way his hair smells when he's out of the shower. He loves his pretty, pretty way of speaking, his analytical mind, the way he holds himself, the way he _is_ — his quiet, poetic existence — and it’s amazing and terrifying but most of all so _refreshing_. To think it. To let himself think it.

How could he have missed something so obvious? How could it have taken _this_ , this situation, to make him realize?

Hide pedals harder, sparing barely a care for the way his legs ache and his heart labors in his chest.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Kaneki sees the bicycle wheel before he sees Hide.

He's kind of on the verge of passing out. Lifting his head takes a lot of effort. He hears Hide suck in a breath when he sees him. “Oh, _Kaneki_ ,” he gasps, rushing forward. The bicycle clatters to the ground.

“Hide ...” Kaneki mumbles.

“Shhh, I got you,” Hide says, crouching beside him and putting a hand on his shoulder. His voice is low and soothing. It cuts Kaneki to the core. Hide is ... so kind. Kaneki loves him. But — his mind isn't thinking straight, but he has the most awful feeling that they were supposed to be approaching the end, the end for the two of them.

Hide looks Kaneki over, whistling softly. “They really got you good, huh,” he says, trying to sound upbeat. He frowns, thinking. “We gotta get you out of here before anything else. Do you think, if I put you on my bike, could you bear it until I get you home?”

Kaneki swallows, and nods.

“Okay.” Hide's brushes across his back, then wedges under his arm. Kaneki gasps, the gash in his side throbbing.

“Oh fuck,” Hide mutters, hissing sympathetically. “If — do you think I could —?” He moves his hand to Kaneki's waist.

Carefully, gingerly, Hide helps Kaneki into a standing position. Kaneki's busted knee aches. He can't put any weight whatsoever on that leg. He almost cries out a few times, but silences himself with a hand wedged against his mouth. “You're doing great. Let's just get you on the bike,” Hide encourages.

He leans down to pick up the bike, then helps Kaneki onto the seat. Kaneki's vision swims. It's at least better than standing, being on the seat, but he hopes Hide doesn't expect him to pedal. The pain makes it difficult to think about anything else.

“All right, Kaneki,” Hide says. “We got this. We're gonna get you safe.”

He stands next to Kaneki on the bike, and lets Kaneki lean heavily against him. Hide walks, murmuring words of comfort, words of reassurance. Kaneki's thoughts drift. Vaguely, he notes that Hide is taking a longer way to Kaneki's apartment than is really efficient from here, making use of private alleys and back roads, but he sees the sense in that ... they're not exactly an inconspicuous pair.

Hide's body is oddly hot against his. His thumb traces circles on Kaneki's hip, and it burns. Could Hide really be that warm? Or is Kaneki that cold?

And how long has it been since Hide touched him in this way? Kaneki can't remember the last time he so much as let their shoulders brush. Whyever he's letting it happen now, Kaneki is impossibly grateful for it. Especially if this is the last time it will happen … He still can’t remember why he feels so strongly that it is, but the idea won’t get out of his head.

“We're here,” Hide says, after what seems like forever. And then it's hell again, pure painful hell, because they have to park the bike outside, and Kaneki has to walk. Hop. He doesn't have the energy to hide his injuries from anyone inside, but fortunately, not many people are about, and Hide is able to shield him from what he can.

In the elevator, Hide props Kaneki in a corner and loops his arms around his shoulders. “Pretend you're just hugging me,” he mutters.

There's no need to _pretend_. Kaneki buries his face in Hide's shoulder and holds him tight. It feels … so good. Like breathing clean air, like going to sleep after a long day. They get a few odd looks from other people entering and leaving the elevator on their way up, but he doesn't care.

They are the only ones to get off at Kaneki's floor. Hide gets him to his room without further incident. When the door closes behind them, Kaneki feels like breaking down all over again, from the relief of it.

“Okay,” Hide says shakily. “We're okay.” He blows out a sigh.

Kaneki sways where he stands, his bad knee throbbing. He feels faint from hunger. Hide smells ... delicious. Kaneki hates himself for that, for finding him that way, for the way the hunger stabs at him – for being this way.

His eyepatch had gotten torn off in the fight. He closes his eyes now, not wanting Hide to see how one of them has changed. So much damage has already been done, to their relationship, to Hide’s perception of him, but ... he still can't bear to see Hide turn away from him.

“So, you gotta get food, or something?” comes Hide's voice, blasé. “Do you keep any of that around here? 'Cause I don't fancy nabbing you a victim, but I will if you need me to.”

Kaneki cracks his eyes open. Hide's looking right at him, an understanding smile on his face. “Whoa, your eye's doing that thing again,” he observes, not _sounding_ disgusted ... “Neat. Anyway, please tell me you have food in the kitchen. I don't want to kill anyone.”

“I have food,” Kaneki says. He makes to move forward, and Hide rushes to support him.

“Thank God for that,” says Hide. “Okay so, what sort of patching up do you need?” he asks, as they walk to the kitchen. “Something for that knee?”

Kaneki shakes his head. “No ... I should heal pretty fast once I've eaten, I just need ...”

Hide will see him eat if he doesn't leave, Kaneki realizes. And that will ... bother him. He can't imagine, if he was a human, that if he watched a ghoul eat like they do he would still want to be around them.

 _What if Hide was the ghoul, and you were a human?_ he asks himself. _Would_ _you_ _still want him?_

But that was different. He loves Hide. Of course he'd want to be near him no matter what.

“Is it in the fridge?” Hide asks, breaking into his thoughts.

Kaneki won't look at him. “Yeah,” he says

Hide sits him down on a chair. _Wow_. Sitting feels good. He hadn't noticed the pain in his head before, but now it hits him, along with a wave of nausea. He groans and lifts his hand to his temples.

Hide, brown package in hand, slams the fridge shut and rushes over to him. “Whoa! Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I'm ...”

When his lifts his head, Hide's eyes widen. “You've got a _nasty_ bruise,” he says, sucking in a breath. He indicates his own temple with a circle of his finger. “Do you think you could be concussed? It's hard to tell with your eyes like that, but ...” It makes sense.

The sweet smell of meat is beginning to get to Kaneki. His eyes flick to the package. Hide notices. “Okay, eat first,” Hide says. “But then you have to lie down. Concussions can be really nasty, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Kaneki says. “Okay.” Black spots swim across his vision. He can feel unconsciousness threatening to take him over.

The brown package is set gently in his hands. Kaneki startles, and then his hunger gets the better of him. He tears apart the paper before he can remember his wish to show restraint. He hopes Hide turns away.

Kaneki eats with desperation, with abandon. He eats everything inside the package. He feels blood on his face, dripping down his chin, hitting his shirt. Only when he’s done does he remember himself, and then he doesn’t dare look at Hide. He focuses on his bloody hands, hating himself.

A hand touches his shoulders, then slides under his arms. Another arm hooks underneath his knees. He gives a gasp of half surprise, half pain, and hears a flurried whisper of _sorrys_. Part of Kaneki can’t believe Hide would touch him, after that display, but the other part is too exhausted to question it. Walking quickly but carefully, Hide carries Kaneki to his bedroom.

The motion makes his head hurt worse. He groans, and Hide apologizes again, and then he's on the bed. “All right,” Hide says softly, and he feels a blanket thrown over him. “Take as much time as you need. Sleep if you can.”

Kaneki wants to thank him. He opens his mouth, meaning to say it. Instead, what comes out is, “I love you.”

If he'd had his eyes open, he would have seen Hide's face. He would have seen Hide’s eyes hesitantly light up, his expression morph into a surprised, ecstatic smile. As it is, Kaneki isn’t thinking clearly enough to so much as realize what he said. He's almost gone, his hold on the last bits of his consciousness slipping.

Just before he fades out, he feels a hand smooth the hair back from his forehead, and then the press of lips there, between his eyebrows.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Hide feels great. This is the best thing that's ever happened to him. He kissed Kaneki. And it wasn't weird at all.

Hideyoshi Nagachika is _gay_.

The thought feels a little odd, the label that had for so long indicated a vague, distant group of people who were somehow _other_ now applying to him, but at the same time, he's realizing just how freeing it is not to have to _worry_ about his sexuality. To acknowledge it. To be unafraid of it.

Hide is going for a walk. He had so much energy, after seeing Kaneki safely away, that he’d been unable to stay still and quiet in Kaneki’s living room. So he'd changed out of his bloody clothes (borrowing some of Kaneki's, which had felt pleasantly intimate) and gone down to the street, meaning to make a trip around the block. It's early evening, and people are out and about on the streets, heading towards restaurants and cafes and movie theaters.

Hide finds everything he sees to seem slightly different in his eyes. It isn't the world that has changed, he knows — it's himself, and it feels good.

He can look at _men_ now.

He hadn't realized exactly how much his eyes had avoided them, especially good-looking ones, up to this point. All he understood was that he felt odd, sometimes, when he saw them – _of course_ , it had been feelings of attraction that bothered him. He hadn't wanted to acknowledge those feelings, so he just ... hadn't looked.

But now …

Hide decides to make it a short walk, not wanting Kaneki to wake up to his absence. _Kaneki_. His step quickens, bounces. Kaneki, his best friend. Kaneki, whom he’d kissed. Kaneki, safe now, healing up and Hide will talk to him soon.

 _I love you_.

Hide grins really hard, biting the inside of his cheek. Kaneki really does feel that way, then. He can't believe that thought ever worried him, ever panicked him, now that he knows he returns the feelings just as strongly.

He gets sick of waiting for the elevator to arrive, back in the building, and heads for the stairwell instead. He smiles as he climbs, taking the stairs two at a time.

 

 

* * *

 

  
  


Kaneki's head feels considerably better when he cracks open his eyes a while later. He blinks, temporarily disoriented. He's back in his room ... the faint smell of blood hangs in the air, so the fight hadn't been a dream, but he's safe now, at least.

He gives a start, remembering what else hadn't been a dream. It's at that moment he becomes conscious of a hand gripping his own.

“Hide!” he blurts, trying to sit up.

“Yo, Kaneki,” comes Hide's cheery voice. A hand presses against his shoulder, forcing him to lay back down. “Not so fast. Don't want you hurting yourself again.”

Kaneki turns his head. Hide ... At his bedside, Hide has pulled up a chair, and there he sits, grinning down at Kaneki with an expression that's at once fond and thrilled. “Hide, I —”

“Hang on, I Googled what you do when someone's concussed and apparently I'm supposed to ask you a bunch of questions. What year is it?”

“2015,” Kaneki says. He blinks. Hide really is holding his hand. Oh. Okay. “Hide, what did I —”

“Okay, good. What's my name?” Hide interrupts, grinning.

Kaneki stares at him. “ _Hide_.”

“Very good. Umm, who's our Asian History professor?”

“Hide, _please_ — please tell me, did, did I _really_ —" Kaneki's stomach churns. "Did I say what I _think_ I said?”

Hide's grin brightens considerably. “Okay, so you _do_ remember.”

Kaneki’s heart plunges. He draws a breath, his face heating up with mortification. But before he can say anything, Hide leans over, and presses his lips to Kaneki's mouth.

 _Holy shit_.

The kiss is kind of clumsy, and fast, and not quite centered, but it's real and it's happening and Kaneki doesn't know what to do with himself. After a moment Hide pulls back and gives his hand a squeeze, and that's when it really sinks in.

“Oh,” Kaneki says. His voice is higher than usual. “Oh – well."

“Oh my God, you're so _cute_ ,” Hide says, sounding like he’s about to laugh, out of sheer joy. “I'm a fucking _goner_ , Kaneki. I can’t believe – how long?”

“That's — that's …” The idea strikes him that this is _Hide_ , asking Kaneki how long he’s been in love with him, and all his words dry up. “Since forever … but – but you didn’t –”

“Wow,” Hide says, marvelling. He looks at Kaneki again, and leans forward just a little, as if to touch him, then blushes – Hide _blushes_ – and turns away instead. “Okay, you're fine, get up,” he urges quickly, getting out of his chair. Kaneki sits up slowly, and Hide helps him stand. Kaneki’s a little unsteady at first, but his knee, head, and side all feel fine. The digital clock next to his bed reads 7:04 in the evening. He's only been out for an hour or so. “I was going to make coffee, but then I realized I had no idea how, so there's a cup sitting on the counter with hot water and a few beans in it if you want it,” Hide chatters as Kaneki gets his bearings. He hasn't let go of his hand yet.

“Beans,” Kaneki repeats. He looks at Hide, who smiles back at him innocently. “ _Whole_ beans?”

“Yeah, I didn't — oh _riiiiight_ , you're supposed to _grind_ them —”

Kaneki can't help the small bubble of laughter that escapes him. “You put _water_ and _beans_ in a cup for me?”

Just earlier today, Kaneki had been afraid Hide was on the verge of leaving him forever. He can't believe how wrong he was.

Hide is grinning at him. “Hmm, I’m so romantic, right?” he asks, teasing.

Kaneki stops, catching his breath. Hide steps in front of him and takes his other hand. “We're dating now, in case that wasn’t clear,” he informs Kaneki. He leans in and presses a quick kiss to the tip of Kaneki's nose.

Kaneki can't keep the wondering smile off his face. “You say _I'm_ cute,” he says under his breath.

“Yep!” Hide leans forward again and – and kisses his mouth.

He tries to make it brief, but Kaneki’s feeling a little steadier and it's so _nice_ , and he follows him when he tries to pull away. “You don't get to do all the kissing yourself,” Kaneki mumbles, and meets Hide's mouth, firm and determined.

Hide's arms wrap around his shoulders and he throws himself enthusiastically into the kiss, playing his fingers through Kaneki's hair. Kaneki himself isn't sure where to put his hands, so he settles for cupping Hide's face. Neither of them really know how to go about the whole thing, so they kind of ... hold position, not wanting to mess anything up now that their lips have met squarely and their noses aren't in the way.

They find themselves laughing when they pull away. A light blush dusts Kaneki's cheeks. “I want to kiss you like they kiss in movies,” Hide announces. “All intense and fireworks and stuff. Except I think I'd fuck it up because I haven't kissed anyone before.”

“In your terrible movies, you mean?” Kaneki can't help but ask, the teasing a reflex.

“Shut up, the kissing parts are good!”

Kaneki looks down, smiling. “Well ...” he says shyly, “the only way to get better at something is to practice.” He flicks his gaze upward quickly, then back down. “Or so they say.”

“Oh, stop being _cute!_ ” Hide exclaims, stepping forward and wrapping his arms tight around Kaneki in an overenthusiastic hug. “Cut me some slack, Kaneki, I can't handle this.”

“Hmm,” Kaneki manages. This time when their mouths meet it's a little more relaxed, and Kaneki feels comfortable moving his lips a little, and he actually _breathes_ , taking little pauses between presses of lips to inhale. There's a feeling stirring deep within him. Hide's fingers brush along his jaw, and his nerves leap. Everything feels ... right, perfect and right and he realizes, with a giddy lurch, two things at once. The first is that he doesn't want to stop kissing Hide, not now or in the foreseeable future. The second is that he doesn't have to.

Hide has asked himself many times, just to double check, if this is what he wants. Each time the answer has been a resounding _yes_. It's astonishing, how mere hours ago he had been in an agony over feelings he didn't think he could possibly feel, and now he's here, making out with his best friend of most of his life. And it feels _great_.

Soon, he'll tell Kaneki everything. He'll explain his feelings, what he was thinking, why he avoided him — that he was never afraid of him, never doubted his self-control, never for a second hated him for being a ghoul. But for now, he'll kiss him happily, and then eventually he’ll go into the kitchen to empty the bean water down the sink, and then probably kiss him some more.

Hide appreciates, for the first time outside of a movie, how kissing really does seem to fix _everything_.

  
  


* * *

 

 

Kaneki is late for work, and it's Hide's fault. “Hide, people will _see_ ,” he protests, trying to free his hand, but to no avail.

“Yep,” Hide says, sounding pleased, and grips Kaneki's fingers tighter. “Now come on, you said you’re late, right?”

“I — fine,” Kaneki gives in, but he blushes red as Hide makes a happy noise and leads him by the hand into Anteiku.

“Welcome to — oh, you're _late_ ,” is Touka's greeting.

Kaneki bites his lip. He sees her eyes flick to Hide, then down to their joined hands.

 _You look disgustingly happy_ , he half expects her to say – or something along those lines. He does look happy. His own face in the mirror this morning had surprised him. But Touka, to his surprise, doesn't comment at all on the we-are-clearly-dating-now thing. Instead, she just looks away, moving a drink to the top of the counter for a customer. “Well, get fucking going. I had to serve the morning rush by myself and _you owe me_.”

“Okay?” Kaneki asks Hide, beginning to disengage his hand.

“Wait,” Hide instructs. He steps closer, turning his face to Kaneki's, and right there, in the middle of the shop, he kisses him. He can almost do it just like on TV now. Kaneki's eyes open wide for a moment, then slide shut. He hears a few mumbles and laughs and a voice that sounds vaguely like Nishio's scoffing at them. But it doesn't matter, because -- because this makes it clear, once and for all, that Hide not only wants to be with him, but is proud of it, too.

If he'd had his eyes open even just a little, maybe he wouldn't have been so completely happy in that moment. But as it is he misses the way Touka's face goes hard. He misses the way she – very gently – sets down the cup of coffee she's in the middle of preparing, the cup not yet full. He misses the way she presses her hand to her mouth for a moment, and he misses her quiet, composed exit into the private back room, leaving the counter unattended and the line of customers peering, confused, after her back.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HRHHGHGHH YEAAAHHHH I DID IT ITS DONE
> 
> BUT WAIT!! there will be a sequel. a touriko sequel. it will be ... dramatic. STAY TUNED.


End file.
